Cleaning Mr. Johnson

Its been a while since I wrote anything new on here. That is because there really hasn’t been much to write about. Even though my life is boring as fuck, I feel it is about time I write something new. So I will try and come up with the most interesting and comedic things that I have encountered lately. I only have one story that fits those criteria so here it is:

One day last week I went with Bungalo to visit his cousins in New Hampshire. On the car ride Bungalo put forth a challenge. There are 5000 songs on his Ipod and he challenged me to think of one song at random that I wanted to hear. I wrote that song down in my phone, and he was going to try and guess the correct song and play it. He began scrolling through his Ipod and after a few minutes he selected a song. The music started and the next words out of my mouth were “No Fucking Way!” Believe it or not he got it right. I had written in my phone “Acoustic version of ‘The Kill’ by 30 Seconds to Mars” and that is exactly what he played.

One of his cousins has two kids. She has a 2 year old boy, and a 5 year old boy. The five year old wanted us to toss the baseball for him to hit. He made it into a game and I feel confident in saying his rules were horseshit! If he hit the ball he gained points in random and excessive amounts and we lost points. If he swung and missed, we gained even more points and we lost even more. Someone please tell me if this makes any sense. I tried to explain to the kid that these rules were fucking stupid but he wasn’t having any of it. He ended up winning even though he was about as good at baseball as this kid is at punting.

We then began drawing with chalk on the driveway. Bundles, being funny, drew a giant dick and balls. He then filled it in with eyes and a moth to make it look like a face, but it was still very clearly a big dick. We named the face Mr. Johnson. The kids, being very impressionable, began drawing their own Mr. Johnsons all over. So now essentially we had a 2 year old and a 5 year old drawing giant cocks all over their driveway. They were as enthusiastic as this guy is about OJ's lawyer. Then Bundles drew a girl with huge tits. The five year old looked at it and said: “Ooooo She has sexy boobies!” This was of course incredibly hilarious but the best was still to come.

Finally the 2 year old crapped in his diaper. This meant that he would have to be changed. His mother said they should go inside and she would change his diaper and get him cleaned up. Then, the 2 year old kid began yelling “No wipe my penis! No wipe my Penis!” And at this I fucking lost it. I mean seriously upon hearing this it is safe to say I had more shit in my pants than this little kid had all over his ass and apparently dick as well.

I love you too and I’ll talk to you soon,

Brendan McCarthy

In The Nick of Time

Hello there faithful readers, boy do i have a treat for you. I have mentioned before that i may at times have guests on my blog. Today is the first of those days. I have invited someone to be the very first guest, so without further adue, ladies and gentlemen Mr. Conway Twitty. And now my second guest, Bundles of Bungalo with a tale of his adventures.


This spring break was the first in my 19 year history that I actually went on vacation…kinda. The Merrimack lacrosse team spent spring break playing two matches down in North Carolina and I tagged along. I am redshirting this year and didn’t see how my presence was needed but apprently my coach did so I was dragged to the tar heel state. Fearing that a sudden rainforest would grow over the highway forcing up to swing from vine to vine the 20 miles from North Andover to Boston, we left at 7:30 am for our 12:00 pm. By what can only be seen as divine intervention the rainforest held off putting us in the airport at 8am. Now that we dodged the rainforest bullet we now faced the real possibility that a mountain would spring up between the entrance and the ticket counter forcing us to hire a Sherpa to continue our voyage. We thought ahead however and hired a Sherpa named Nima, once we realized her services were not needed we payed her her carton of free range eggs and sent her to whence she came. We have now arrived miraculously at the ticket counter at 8:01 am. We were now under the four hour mark form our flights departure and the time crunch was felt by all.


After somehow avoiding the numerous natural disasters that could have plagues our journey through security (IE: Hurricane, Tsunami, Tornado (skip to 21 seconds), and Horny Joe Namath) we arrive at our gate at 8:10 am, thankfully just in time to see the boarding of the 8:30 flight to Daytona. Now as anyone who has ever been to an airport knows killing three hours and 50 minutes at an aiport is as difficult as singing without a machine is for kanye west or making a free throw at a clutch time is for a Memphis player or going to college is for some of the readers of this blog. After occupying ourselves we finally boarded the plane. The flight was pretty uneventful mostly due to the combination of all white passengers and no snakes on the plane.


Now came baggage claim. The closest thing I can relate to baggage claim is back in the day when maybe you were at your little league practice and everyone is being picked up and you’re the last kid there and you have to keep ensuring the coach that mom is in fact coming and you don’t need a ride home and no you don’t need a hug. That’s the closest thing I can think of to the feeling that engulfs your soul as everyone on the plane has there luggage and your standing at the carousel waiting for your bag that looks like every other fucking bag ever made so your half thinking that some scoundrel has abscounded and is selling all of your shit on EBAY and the bidding is so intense that the people are being forced to purchase the goods at the buy it now price. After the long wait (which is understandable because there was a rush to get my bag on the plane) my bag finally emerged. Now before I continue I must inform you of one fact we were traveling with 38 people, 38 full grown men. These 38 full grown men now had to embark upon a 2 hour journey from the airport to the hotel.

To be continued... Bungalo will give us the rest of the story later on this week. I may have a post of my own in the coming days if not i will have one next week after my trip to the Forzen Four in DC.


I love you too and I’ll talk to you soon,

Brendan McCarthy

I Gotta Pray For Better Shit

So I apologize to everyone for the lies I spewed on my last post. I honestly did intend to write three parts on my vacation but I didn’t take into account how lazy I am, only the poke flute could have stirred me enough to get me going. So again I apologize for not writing the trilogy, and I’m not going to go back and write it because I honestly don’t remember all the clever stuff I had come up with to write about, which really sucks because I had some good ideas. So anyways I’ve been keeping real busy lately, I sleep, go to class from time to time, play COD4, watch movies and play some basketball. Safe to say sometimes I get so bored I would honestly consider watching a Purdue basketball game if it was on.

So in my boredom I have been thinking about life and what I want to do with it. There are all the usual options, become really rich and famous, which ill definitely do no matter what, enter the upcoming NBA draft, we all know Doc would love that, I could become a camp counselor like Bungalo, I could sell my body, I could gather an unruly gang and rob trains, all of these are solid options and things I would be very successful at. However, I have decided on an even better option, I’m going to apply to be on The Real World. Believe me once they see my tape, they’ll be more excited than this guy on dancing with the stars, excuse me sir but shes underage. I’m pretty excited to film my tape and have been thinking of all the fun things I can do and say to get them to take me on the show, and I’m not kidding I’m really going to try and get on the show. I’m not going to get my dick cut off, or be gay, or get aids, but I’m sure I can come up with something. Well anyways if anyone has ideas please let me know because I’m pretty excited about this, and when I’m on the show you guys can all be like “I know that guy” and it will make you more popular. By the way those of you who watched the Real World Brooklyn, I watched it religiously, did you watch the reunion show? I took two thing out of the reunion show, the first being what the hell happened to this Belle girl that Ryan had been in love with, and the second was how bad I wanted to put a bullet in the head of the host, seriously I couldn’t have hated her more and hope her life turn to misery and anguish.

Moving on, I often think about things I wish I had done in my life, like punch smaller kids when I was younger, or smoke crack, but the main thing I really always regret never having done is learn to play the guitar. Anyone who has been at a party or seen me at any point when a good song is playing knows I always sing every single word along with it, and pretend to play the guitar emphatically (I just spelled that word right on the first try). So anyways, I always wish I could play guitar, and I have tried to learn a few times, the problem is I don’t want to have to learn the shit, I just want to be able to play the songs. So I always try and skip over the actual learning the basics, and just try and play songs, and it doesn’t really work out when you flip out from frustration after about ten minutes every time. But man do I wish I knew how, I would start a band, which would be called Offshore Banking, and don’t any of you try and steal that band name because Mellen and I have it trademarked in case we ever do learn to play instruments.

To a new topic, my philosophy class. In philosophy we are now discussing by far my favorite topic to talk about, the existence of god. Honestly there is nothing more fun than explaining to people how insanely idiotic religion and the idea of a god is. We even get to have debates on it in a few weeks, I can’t wait to leave my classmates stuttering as bad as this guy after I pwn them and their silly god. Anyways so my teacher was lecturing about different views on the world and on the idea of god, so far I get the impression she agrees with me on this stuff, and she was talking about how there are some things we just accept and expect to happen and don’t feel we need to come up with an outside explanation for. She used the example of dropping her marker and it falling to the ground, and said, she could believe it fell to the ground because of gravity, or that when she dropped it little fairies from the fairy world grabbed the marker and guided it on a path to the ground, or she said, she could have prayed to god the night before that if she drop a marker, he should make it fall to the ground, and when it fell she exclaimed hallelujah praise the lord thank you god it’s a miracle my prayers are answered. She then laughed, picked up the marker, walked to the board, and said “Jeeze I gotta start prayin for better shit.” Safe to say this was the best moment of my week and I now like my teacher a whole lot more than I did before.

So to sum things up I am applying to the Real World, I hate the lady who hosted the Real World Reunion show, I wish I could play guitar, this is hilarious, And my Philosophy teacher is funny as hell. By the way I hope you are all extremely jealous as I will be going to the Frozen Four in DC next week! Fuckem up Fuckem up Go Cats Go!

I love you too and I’ll talk to you soon,

Brendan McCarthy