Its been a while since I wrote anything new on here.That is because there really hasn’t been much to write about.Even though my life is boring as fuck, I feel it is about time I write something new.So I will try and come up with the most interesting and comedic things that I have encountered lately.I only have one story that fits those criteria so here it is:
One day last week I went with Bungalo to visit his cousins in New Hampshire.On the car ride Bungalo put forth a challenge.There are 5000 songs on his Ipod and he challenged me to think of one song at random that I wanted to hear.I wrote that song down in my phone, and he was going to try and guess the correct song and play it.He began scrolling through his Ipod and after a few minutes he selected a song.The music started and the next words out of my mouth were “No Fucking Way!”Believe it or not he got it right.I had written in my phone “Acoustic version of ‘The Kill’ by 30 Seconds to Mars” and that is exactly what he played.
One of his cousins has two kids.She has a 2 year old boy, and a 5 year old boy.The five year old wanted us to toss the baseball for him to hit.He made it into a game and I feel confident in saying his rules were horseshit!If he hit the ball he gained points in random and excessive amounts and we lost points.If he swung and missed, we gained even more points and we lost even more.Someone please tell me if this makes any sense.I tried to explain to the kid that these rules were fucking stupid but he wasn’t having any of it. He ended up winning even though he was about as good at baseball as this kid is at punting.
We then began drawing with chalk on the driveway.Bundles, being funny, drew a giant dick and balls.He then filled it in with eyes and a moth to make it look like a face, but it was still very clearly a big dick.We named the face Mr. Johnson.The kids, being very impressionable, began drawing their own Mr. Johnsons all over.So now essentially we had a 2 year old and a 5 year old drawing giant cocks all over their driveway. They were as enthusiastic as this guy is about OJ's lawyer.Then Bundles drew a girl with huge tits.The five year old looked at it and said: “Ooooo She has sexy boobies!”This was of course incredibly hilarious but the best was still to come.
Finally the 2 year old crapped in his diaper.This meant that he would have to be changed.His mother said they should go inside and she would change his diaper and get him cleaned up.Then, the 2 year old kid began yelling “No wipe my penis! No wipe my Penis!”And at this I fucking lost it.I mean seriously upon hearing this it is safe to say I had more shit in my pants than this little kid had all over his ass and apparently dick as well.
Hello there faithful readers, boy do i have a treat for you. I have mentioned before that i may at times have guests on my blog. Today is the first of those days. I have invited someone to be the very first guest, so without further adue, ladies and gentlemen Mr. Conway Twitty. And now my second guest, Bundles of Bungalo with a tale of his adventures.
This spring break was the first in my 19 year history that I actually went on vacation…kinda. The Merrimack lacrosse team spent spring break playing two matches down in North Carolina and I tagged along. I am redshirting this year and didn’t see how my presence was needed but apprently my coach did so I was dragged to the tar heel state. Fearing that a sudden rainforest would grow over the highway forcing up to swing from vine to vine the 20 miles from North Andover to Boston, we left at 7:30 am for our 12:00 pm. By what can only be seen as divine intervention the rainforest held off putting us in the airport at 8am. Now that we dodged the rainforest bullet we now faced the real possibility that a mountain would spring up between the entrance and the ticket counter forcing us to hire a Sherpa to continue our voyage. We thought ahead however and hired a Sherpa named Nima, once we realized her services were not needed we payed her her carton of free range eggs and sent her to whence she came. We have now arrived miraculously at the ticket counter at 8:01 am. We were now under the four hour mark form our flights departure and the time crunch was felt by all.
Now came baggage claim. The closest thing I can relate to baggage claim is back in the day when maybe you were at your little league practice and everyone is being picked up and you’re the last kid there and you have to keep ensuring the coach that mom is in fact coming and you don’t need a ride home and no you don’t need a hug. That’s the closest thing I can think of to the feeling that engulfs your soul as everyone on the plane has there luggage and your standing at the carousel waiting for your bag that looks like every other fucking bag ever made so your half thinking that some scoundrel has abscounded and is selling all of your shit on EBAY and the bidding is so intense that the people are being forced to purchase the goods at the buy it now price. After the long wait (which is understandable because there was a rush to get my bag on the plane) my bag finally emerged. Now before I continue I must inform you of one fact we were traveling with 38 people, 38 full grown men. These 38 full grown men now had to embark upon a 2 hour journey from the airport to the hotel.
To be continued... Bungalo will give us the rest of the story later on this week. I may have a post of my own in the coming days if not i will have one next week after my trip to the Forzen Four in DC.
So I apologize to everyone for the lies I spewed on my last post. I honestly did intend to write three parts on my vacation but I didn’t take into account how lazy I am, only the poke flute could have stirred me enough to get me going. So again I apologize for not writing the trilogy, and I’m not going to go back and write it because I honestly don’t remember all the clever stuff I had come up with to write about, which really sucks because I had some good ideas. So anyways I’ve been keeping real busy lately, I sleep, go to class from time to time, play COD4, watch movies and play some basketball. Safe to say sometimes I get so bored I would honestly consider watching a Purdue basketball game if it was on.
So in my boredom I have been thinking about life and what I want to do with it.There are all the usual options, become really rich and famous, which ill definitely do no matter what, enter the upcoming NBA draft, we all know Doc would love that, I could become a camp counselor like Bungalo, I could sell my body, I could gather an unruly gang and rob trains, all of these are solid options and things I would be very successful at.However, I have decided on an even better option, I’m going to apply to be on The Real World.Believe me once they see my tape, they’ll be more excited than this guy on dancing with the stars, excuse me sir but shes underage.I’m pretty excited to film my tape and have been thinking of all the fun things I can do and say to get them to take me on the show, and I’m not kidding I’m really going to try and get on the show.I’m not going to get my dick cut off, or be gay, or get aids, but I’m sure I can come up with something.Well anyways if anyone has ideas please let me know because I’m pretty excited about this, and when I’m on the show you guys can all be like “I know that guy” and it will make you more popular.By the way those of you who watched the Real World Brooklyn, I watched it religiously, did you watch the reunion show?I took two thing out of the reunion show, the first being what the hell happened to this Belle girl that Ryan had been in love with, and the second was how bad I wanted to put a bullet in the head of the host, seriously I couldn’t have hated her more and hope her life turn to misery and anguish.
Moving on, I often think about things I wish I had done in my life, like punch smaller kids when I was younger, or smoke crack, but the main thing I really always regret never having done is learn to play the guitar.Anyone who has been at a party or seen me at any point when a good song is playing knows I always sing every single word along with it, and pretend to play the guitar emphatically (I just spelled that word right on the first try).So anyways, I always wish I could play guitar, and I have tried to learn a few times, the problem is I don’t want to have to learn the shit, I just want to be able to play the songs.So I always try and skip over the actual learning the basics, and just try and play songs, and it doesn’t really work out when you flip out from frustration after about ten minutes every time.But man do I wish I knew how, I would start a band, which would be called Offshore Banking, and don’t any of you try and steal that band name because Mellen and I have it trademarked in case we ever do learn to play instruments.
To a new topic, my philosophy class.In philosophy we are now discussing by far my favorite topic to talk about, the existence of god.Honestly there is nothing more fun than explaining to people how insanely idiotic religion and the idea of a god is.We even get to have debates on it in a few weeks, I can’t wait to leave my classmates stuttering as bad as this guy after I pwn them and their silly god.Anyways so my teacher was lecturing about different views on the world and on the idea of god, so far I get the impression she agrees with me on this stuff, and she was talking about how there are some things we just accept and expect to happen and don’t feel we need to come up with an outside explanation for.She used the example of dropping her marker and it falling to the ground, and said, she could believe it fell to the ground because of gravity, or that when she dropped it little fairies from the fairy world grabbed the marker and guided it on a path to the ground, or she said, she could have prayed to god the night before that if she drop a marker, he should make it fall to the ground, and when it fell she exclaimed hallelujah praise the lord thank you god it’s a miracle my prayers are answered.She then laughed, picked up the marker, walked to the board, and said “Jeeze I gotta start prayin for better shit.”Safe to say this was the best moment of my week and I now like my teacher a whole lot more than I did before.
So to sum things up I am applying to the Real World, I hate the lady who hosted the Real World Reunion show,I wish I could play guitar, this is hilarious, And my Philosophy teacher is funny as hell.By the way I hope you are all extremely jealous as I will be going to the Frozen Four in DC next week!Fuckem up Fuckem up Go Cats Go!
This is part one of a trilogy of blogs about my vacation this past week. In the middle there will also be a guest blog from Bundles of Bungalo speaking of his vacation with the lacrosse team to North Carolina. This first part of my trilogy is really graffic at times and probably not funny at all as its only real intention is to make people feel bad for me, enjoy.
I woke up Tuesday March 10th to my wonderful alarm that I can never really be mad at when awoken by. Little did I know the song was foreshadowing the tribulations I would go through in the coming days. I arose, dressed and headed off to class feeling a little dizzy and my throat feeling a bit swollen and sore. I wrote it off as the ill effects of lack of sleep. Sitting in class I found it very hard to stay awake and my condition began to worsen. I struggled harder and harder to stay awake but I kept dozing off as if it were Mr. Wright’s high school philosophy class. When class ended I went straight to my room and went back to bed. I awoke several times and each time I did, my throat felt significantly worse. My pillow was soaked with drool and swallowing was near impossible. I did not get out of my bed for the next 28 hours. In the middle of my bed ridden stage, Boss and Colleen paid me a visit; I was supposed to go out to eat with them and Sars but I was in no condition to do so. This made Colleen furious and she punched me a few times like she was The Rock delivering a little Shake Rattle and Roll, but not even threat of the peoples elbow could have got me to move at this point.
I finally did get out of bed to answer my phone around 2pm on Wednesday March 11th. It was Chelsea calling, and she convinced me to seek help and go to the campus health services office. I threw on a sweat shirt and stumbled my way over to health services. I first had to deal with a nurse who took a swab of my throat, meaning she gagged the hell out of me with a massive cue tip. After about a half hour of waiting and suffering in the doctor’s office the doctor finally entered. This doctor however seemed to be very confused as to what his profession was, as most of the time he seemed to think he was supposed to be a terrible stand up comedian. Once he finally stopped making horrible jokes and tried out the whole doctor thing he eventually concluded that I had strep throat. He hooked me up with a prescription and sent me out the door. This of course meant that I had to walk a mile and across extensive traffic to CVS to pick up my aforementioned prescription. In my ill and groggy state my journey to CVS and my crossing of very busy streets somewhat resembled George Costanza’s attempt to cross the street with the Frogger machine. I somehow mentioned to dodge Daunte Stallworth’s Bentley as it swerved it way down the street, another man was not so fortunate.
Somehow I did make it though, don’t ask me how. I arrived back at my room with what at the time I believed to be the cure to my ailments. Bungalo brought me some delicious raspberry yogurt, I managed to eat it, and I took my medicine. About an hour later I layed down in bed only to immediately jump up, run to the bathroom, and share the yogurt I had recently eaten with the first sink I could get to. I puked 17 more times throughout the night and each time was worse and worse. In between spilling my innards, I called my mother and she decided she would come pick me up around 9am. I now knew what time I had to make it too. I just had to make it to 9am. It turned out to be a lot harder than it sounds. Later in the night I began spouting the main ingredient of my circulatory system out of my mouth, I’m no doctor but I don’t believe that is a good thing. Phone in hand I seriously considered calling an ambulance because at this point I was in serious fear that I might actually die, but I knew I just needed to make it to 9am. By the time my mother arrived I was standing in my room, having not slept in almost a full day, and thrown up 18 times, needless to say I was as groggy as a Mortal Kombat character having lost two straight rounds and waiting for the other guy to finish him.
My mom took me home and I began to feel much better. However the next time I took my medicine about ten minutes later I was puking again. After that I was fine until later that night when I took it again and what do you know I was puking again. At this point it was clear that the doctor was an assassin who believed me to be Rasputin and was trying to kill me, little did he know the only way to kill Rasputin is to chain him up and drown him. To sum this up I got real medicine, it worked, my mommy made me a milkshake, I got all healed, and the real vacation began.
I love you too and I’ll talk to you soon, Brendan McCarthy
So I ventured home this past weekend to make some memories.I expected an exciting time and boy did it start out well.I arrived at the 306 to a warm welcome, two police cars were parked in front of the house.I of course assumed two things, they were either there to lead a parade through the streets of Burlington to celebrate my return, or Zack and Ben had snapped, and decided a duel was the only way to settle their differences.As they set up back to back, Zack wearing the shirt he made with the rainbows on it, and started to walk the assigned ten steps, Zack of course cheated, turned early, and shot Ben.Zack however failed to realize Ben had set last stand as his third perk and Ben was able to shoot and kill Zack before holding X and taking the coward’s way out.The monster kitten then proceeded to go into monster mode and consumed both of their corpses in one foul swoop.The police must be there trying to find the bodies, but the bodies will not turn up, a certain kitty made sure of it.
It turned out both of my assumptions were wrong, as disappointing as this was, the real reason they were there was pretty exciting in itself.They were there to look into the events surrounding a large loss of money at the location named after the home of the sultan or a casino in Vegas.Apparently an employee thought it was the casino in Vegas and the register was the slot machine, and when it opened filled with money, naturally they felt they had won the jackpot and collected their booty.Well as it turns out it was no such casino and they won no such jackpot, but the victim of this jackpot illusion has yet to be discovered and the officers were searching for such person.If you ask me I say the person most likely fled to St. Kits and Nevis, at least that’s what I would have done.
Anyways, a “Too Soon” party had been planned for the night and the excitement was building.This is a party in which people come as jokes that are too soon or inappropriate to make because they may be in bad taste or found offensive or insensitive.And oh boy were there some good ones.One young lady came as a UVM student who had been kidnapped, raped and chopped to pieces mere years ago, truly hilarious if you ask me.I myself was Corey Smith, an NFL player who died this week after his boat flipped over and he gave up holding on and drowned, in the prime of his life, also hilarious.But the award for best idea goes to a group performance.Most of the people who were invited to the party, the vast majority at that, played a brilliant role, they treated the party as if it were genocide in Africa, and they played the part of the rest of the world by not showing up and failing to care about the suffering and anguish it caused.A truly brilliant too soon joke guys!Later a few kids were doing their best Michael Phelps impression… They were winning medals I don’t know what you were thinking.After that we ventured to Wendy’s, a few Dave Thomas jokes were exchanged, and the night came to a close as I drifted into slumber on a futon.
When I awoke the next morning I joined Zack and Ben in front of the TV to watch some college hoops.I of course got on the computer with the rest of them as we all made our best attempt to defeat the man from the future by picking correctly in streak for the cash, and as always, we failed, because as always the man from the future only put up games in which sure to win ranked teams played against unranked garbage teams, but lost.As the man from the future continued to kick me in the pants I checked Sporcle and watched as Zack pwned the new Movie Taglines quiz.I don’t think there is anything more addicting in the entire world than Sporcle by the way and you feel like you are a better person than others when you are able to get more than them in any category whatever it is, and your life is complete when you can get all the original Pokémon in order.
Later that day we gathered a group of our friends to play some pickup basketball at St. Mikes.On the court next to us, Burlington star player Joe O’shea was shooting around and making shots from everywhere.It was very clear this was a shoot around for him and not a big game because he was not rolling around on the ground choking to death.Anyways, we laced ‘em up and began our pickup game.Since we had 12 players we shot free throws to determine the teams and what two people would not play in the first game.This meant that I would not get to play in the first game because I am about as good at free throws as Mike Lonergan is at coaching playoff games.I may well however be the greatest three point shooter in the continental United States.Seriously, when I’m playing the guy guarding me ends up drenched by the end of the game, both from the rain my threes poured down on him, and from the perspiration caused from chasing me around the top elbows of the three point arc.So after the first game ended and I was welcomed in to play, I noticed a problem. Apparently some of the kids playing were not born with the gift of memory, and could not remember who was on their team; either that or they are gay, because they made one team play with their shirts off.I of course ended up on the shirtless team. I removed my shirt but I knew exactly what was about to happen.The floor immediately was engulfed by swarms of girls.They followed me like they were Zack and I was a drunk girl.Everyone realized we would be unable to play with this many girls all over the court, so I put my shirt back on.Although this made it completely impossible for those without a brain who were playing to determine who was on their team, at least we had room to play.Anyways I proceeded to flood the gym, making somewhere around 47 three pointers, including dotting Zack to end a game.Eventually everyone decided it wasn’t fun anymore to because I was just too good and the game broke up.I was forced to call the police again because Doc Rivers doesn’t understand what a restraining order is.I’ve told you a hundred times Doc I don’t want to play for your silly team leave me alone.
It was then time to prepare for the night’s get together occurring at a bunch of young hunnies’ suite at St. Mikes.We took showers, Zack’s being two and a half hours long, mine being three minutes, I put on my hot attire, and we went to pick up some things.I will skip this part of the story for everyone’s protection.After that part of the story we went to pick up Edge from work.Edge came out looking good, and hopped in the car.I was quickly struck with a foreign fragrance.Edge has acquired a knew cologne I am not familiar with and still have not decided how I feel about but I think I like it, but I am unsure, let’s just say it was no sex panther we’ll leave it at that.Edge being the lady’s man that he is was at work and was once again invited for a good time and once again turned the lady’s down in an exchange that was reenacted in different circumstances by Jonah Hill in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We then went back to the 306 and waited for The 3rd to pick us up.A few minutes later the 3rd arrived sporting a hot blue polo and off we went to St. Mikes.We arrived to be greeted in the main lobby of the building by our good friend Gael who was doing his best Joe Namath impression.We proceeded upstairs where many old friends had gathered.Even my good friend Monster Melody, also known in many circles as Connor “The Con Man” Mellen, had made the long trip home just to see me.He and I were both worried the world was about to end because we were both in the same room wearing jeans at the same time, an event that if you had told us a year ago was going to happen we both would have said well that must be the day the world ends.We had a grand time; I discussed the insanity that is LOST for about two hours with my good friend the Chateau who was up from school.Zack did his thing, Edge did his and The 3rd did his.Those being, Zack creepily stalked a girl all night, Edge made his trademark jokes, and The 3rd went home early and angry, in case you don’t know those are their catchphrases.There was also a celebrity at the party, no I’m not talking about me I’m talking about the guy who danced with 8 girls once, yes he did make an appearance and yes we were in awe.As the night wore on an epic game of ruit ensued pitting Zack and I against The Con Man and the Big Show Pat Bergman.Regulation was of course not enough play to decide this matchup, neither was one overtime, and neither was two, that’s right folks we entered the third OT and safe to say the ladies were eating it up.The Con man and The Big show quickly took the lead in the third OT, it was two cups to one when Zack and I decided we had seen enough.Zack shot and drilled one cup and I immediately followed it by nailing the last cup with a shot that people would later say was better than that autistic kid in New York.This capped The Big Show’s second OT loss of the day and by far the more heartbreaking of the two.
Overall it was a solid weekend, mad hoops and mad hunnies, and a few jokes here and there.I’m back at school now where instead of doing the papers and homework I have to do I have just written this, and I hope to make this a regular thing.I will be home all of next week and I’m sure I will have plenty more to talk about after that.
I'm 20 years old and live in Shelburne VT. I go to Merrimack College in North Andover, MA. I play a lot of sports and own everyone and all of them. I only wear sweatpants, shorts, and t-shirts. I'm incredibly attractive sexually. I know all the words to every song ever made. I love Pokemon, i used to be obsessed with the WWF, and no matter what anyone says Blink 182 is the greatest band of all time.
